2009's End..

It felt so fast..
Last year I spent my new year just at home, playing Persona 4. And it's at Marukyu Striptease. In 2009, I don't really play PS. So it didn't make any long progress. Last year, I was hoping that next year's gonna be different. I won't feel like doll anymore, living with no life-feeling. But now, I think it's just a slight different.. I still feel like a doll. I dunno, but it's a great feeling or it's just a hunch.. The problem's all from my back side of neck. It felt really weird. I have a bad feeling about it..

In 2010.. I wanna feel alive again. And when December comes.. I wanna feel different. I wanna feel alive! I dunno what's the cause of this doll thingy though..

Targets in 2010...
I think nothing much.
# Be an LM junior dancer
# I'd spend 10% of money I got in church every week. I need to give it back to Him.
# Spend more time with friends
# Being a better guy
# Learn everything I can learn
# Being ALIVE
# Get closer to Him
# Be a better boyfriend
# Be a better son
# Stop any of my bad addictions
# Being a better student
# Stop faking in front of everyone. Just show the real me. Open up. This is why I'm hot.

So many targets..
But I really can't do this without Him, I know.
But it seems like He's so so far away..
Everytime I pray, it seems wrong.. like I'm praying nothing...
But I believe, He's hearing me.
No matter how bad I am.
No matter how stupid I am.
I dunno if I'm still worth His love..
But I will chase it.
2010..Let me change.

Emotions keep spinning..

I don't know now who's my friend and who's not. Who's my real friend, who's the fake one. Even I don't know if I can get hold on my family anymore. Now just whatever and whoever friend I don't really care. All I know, is I have my big brother. Only my big brother who I can hold and cry to. I know I look like a little boy. But I don't know what to do anymore.

Childhood.

When I was a kid I was really silly.
In kindergarten, here, I was actually in the same class with Onel, but I clearly forgot him till this high school. I have my best friend, Jeco. Everywhere we'll hangout together. I feel like it's really good to have a bestfriend like him. We've never been to any fights. In class, always eat together and we always talked bad about our friend, Clairine. Saying she's fat and not considering her as one of our friend.. It's funny.
We entered low school then.
First grade, we're in the same class. Still hanging out together. In sports lesson, we always play alone ourselves. And that time, I really hated athletic run, really hated it. We just sit and chatted together on the yard's border. And we promised that we would be best friends forever.

2nd grade, we're still in the same class and we always sit in a group. Me, Jeco, Novalia, Nella, Wibi, Jessica "Bonita", William, and Christian. In this group, we always insult the group sitting next to us. We had a strong friendship back then. I liked this Novalia girl and I told Nella and Jeco about it. Jeco would persuade me to tell it to her. I always had a strong will to, but not a strong bravery. I'm still a kid. To just say "You're beautiful" to a girl would be very taboo.
It was really embarrassing when one day, when the teacher gave award to 4 person in MY GROUP, I yelled "YAAAY" with the 4 students excluding me. And the teacher said "Hey, you didn't win, why did u yell?" and the whole class laughed. "I just feel happy that my group has the most winner!!" is what I really wanna shout. But I didn't..

3rd grade, I really love this whole year. Jeco and I got a new best friend named Yosua. Every school break, we always walk together, and often played kungfu with a bunch of boys in class. I really love playing kungfu fighting back then. And that makes me got into trouble with a teacher named Miss Har when I wrote a spy letter to Jeco
- Me "Don't talk to Roy"
- Jeco "I just wanna make him one of our member in our team!"
- Me "No. He's too stupid!"
Well, the red word made the teacher force me out of the class.
Every sports time, we always sit together. Sometimes telling ghost stories that we made up.. And I still hate athletic run. Whenever forced to, I was shaking and trembled.
Since Yosua come, our friendship had gone with much problems. I would talk on the back of Jeco, Jeco would talk on the back of Yosua, and Yosua would talk on my back. We always got into trouble. But actually it strengthens our feeling.
"Let's be best friends forever.. Promise?"
I really liked the T-shirt Cubitus and often bragged to Jeco about it. When go to Matahari department store, I would always look for Cubitus tees.

4th grade, I got into a big fight with Jeco and we won't talk for a year. I really loved singing this year, and I got into Choir Competition. Here, I thought of a really silly thing. When the judge declared the winner, I didn't really know what "Juara Harapan" means. I thought it's better than just "Juara" cuz it has more words. Then when the judge said "The Juara Harapan 1 is.." I prayed "Us! Us! Us!" and really, we're the Juara Harapan 1. I was really happy and I laughed. But when the judge still reads the "Juara" I realized that "Juara" is better and got disappointed of myself. "If only I prayed for "Juara".. Stupid me!!!" And this year I started to get addicted to Ragnarok Online game and played basketball a lot. I like to play The Sims too.. and always pleaded my friend, Andi the cheat to see naked Sims while showering.....Pervert! And I started to mix and match my Cubitus tees with my shirts. Tees inside, shirts outside. I started to like fashion.

5th grade, this is my greatest memory in this school. I hangout with 3 companions. Me, Yosua, Bayu, and Wilson. We're really great friends. But I often got in a fight with Wilson.. REALLY OFTEN. Then when it started to seem bad I told my mom about it and my mom told me to try to say "sorry" to him. This is the first time I've ever felt the difficulty of saying "sorry". And this is where I learned to say "sorry" to people. Then we continued our friendship...till we got into another trouble. But this time it's weird cuz he won't talk to me, and if I talk to him he won't answer or get mad, but we talked in a piece of paper just like chatting. Weird him.
And I got afraid of being gay when I often get jealous. I got jealous often if Bayu and Yosua hangout more. When they left me alone. And I hated it when we walked together and they sang a song that I don't know. It really gets me pissed of. And I put the blame on Yosua. I want Bayu to choose to hangout with me rather than Yosua. It got me really jealous. But now I realized that it's usual to got jealous of friends like that.. And I REALLY HATE gay.
We made this silly book that we called "Burn Book".
There, we pour out all our words in mind, hates, and events.
And they considered me as their "Boss of Burnbook".
This silly burnbook..
I had them kept in a box, but my mom threw the box away.
I called it Box of Memories back then. I put all of the memorable things there.. To remember when I'm old. But it's all gone already. Sheesh..
I reconciled with Jeco this year.
I was a student of Purwacaraka Course, Vocal.
I still hated athletic run.. :D

6th grade, I befriended with Vanessa, Ria, Shandy, and Priscilla. My friends in class is only girls. And I got a bit bothered by it. But in this grade, I dunno why all of a sudden I became a silent person. I don't have much friends, only these girls with Richard and Arvin. I got my hair cut this style ; my back hair would be spiky and my front hair would be natural. It's a new style that year. My friends said "cool" but suddenly my friend Christopher copied my style and I got pissed. I was really close with Vanessa and liked her so much. Others gave us the nick "Korea" it stands for "Koko Reinhard dan Vanessa". So big the like feeling, that I joined Bethany's Children Choir just to met her every Friday evening (I already quit from Purwa Caraka Vocal Course after a concert). The other kids there would scream "Hug! Hug" and I hug her with laugh. Then we go mountain climbing with Richard and my family in holiday, and when Vanessa fell I said "Don't worry, I'm here." and smiled.
One day, I went into an internet cafe with my dad n' I tried to play Seal Online there. I used a usual home t-shirts (you can see my small armpits). Then when I saw my friend Samuel Gonta was there, I was shocked and covered my face with the game magazine I brought. I don't want any of my friends see me like this. I wanna look perfect in front of my friends. And I realized that I hold the book just 1cm from my eye. And I my heart was beating. "Don't see me, don't see me.. >__<" Some minutes later I felt sum1 peeked between me and the magazine. It's him alright. But he didn't say anything. I thought, "Now he'll think I'm stupid."

Well, that's me in kindergarten and low school. Funny thinking of it..
At Middle School we got apart..
Jeco and Bayu is in IPH School.
Yosua and Wilson had their own friends.
Best friends forever is now nothing..

Have An Unexceptionally Joy of Christmas, Everyone.. ^^

MERRY CHRISTMAS..
To the poors n riches, ladies n gentlemen, ugly n handsome, stupid and smart, crazy n' normal, weird and cool, boys and girls, of all ages.. ^^
Christmas is for everyone to be happy with. It's the day of everyone's only Savior to be born. Everyone should take part in the joy and happiness, even if just a little..
Hehe ^^

The morning I went to Grand City where Mawar Sharon Church celebrated Christmas. The newborn mall is so sophisticated like in other countries. Well, probably like in Singapore, Raffles City Mall. Hehe.. The ballroom was cool too.
The event were so magical and way too cool.. It really shows how great He is. He is GREAT. But when I was asked to stand up and go back to the good side.. I was shy to cuz there are too little people stand up.. And now I regret it. If I was near any other youngsters, maybe I'll do.. Huff.. Stupid me :(

The evening, I went to Ian's house and celebrated Christmas there.. We had so joy and everyone got their own Christmas Presents. I got a b-ball shorts and a checkered shorties..[AGAIN]. I already had a lot of them, actually.. TT
Haha
But I like this one, gray just like what I expected.. ^^




I wanna share this joy of Christmas to everyone, exceptionally..
Every poor too..
Enjoy even the littlest joy of Christmas, WORLD.. ^^

A Slash Open Of My Heart.. This Thing Really Bugs Me..

It's not that I want to repeat and bring back yesterday's problem.
It's just.. If I don't let it out, I might get stressed out of myself.
But last night's dream made my eyes open to things that my heart pretends to close to stop the debate yesterday.
Yesterday, event after my long talk S2 stil try to defend S2's self and said that S2 and him has no special relationships.
But still, everyone will see S2 as a boys-itchy person.
Then again, S2 told me that if I get just a talkie-talkie to X people in this world, even if it's just small talkie-talkie, it will leave the person to get pride, pride of getting close to me.
THEN WHY DID S2 give him and everybody ALL THE PRIDE?
Even when I think of them just as a fren, like he think of them as a common fren, it's strictly forbidden.
Well, that's an unclear thing to me and I don't really care now.
[I won't check on S2 again on facebook, I believe S2.]
Then again, In my heart I still wanna say it's silly to protect my friends.
You don't know them, don't need will to protect them.
Besides, if they get caught by X people, they won't really care.
Probably like me, in status just write "I HATE X PEOPLE" or just make them jokes.
We normal people won't really care, even if the truth is in X world is different.
Why different?
I think, when an X talks and flirts with normal people, and normal people get disgusted and throw them away, X people will just leave and seek for a new one.
And we don't really care if many X people think we're like them.
We're in normal side and WE DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN THEIR SIDE.
WE JUST KNOW THAT THEY'RE FILTHY AND STUPID PERSONS, SMART JUST IN LOOKING FOR PREY.
Maybe among my friends, I'm the only one in the gate of normal world and X world..
And they can always see me.
But my friends, they're like me just because I know this world.
OR, they're normal people, and I clearly know it.
So if X people get near them, they won't get caught and will clearly leave.
Like an example, in school my X-like friend get near O, and O told me it's a little creepy.
And they WILL do the same if an X person caught them, I'm SURE.
The thing is, since the beginning, I'm already half an X, the one ready to born if an X touches.
[And you're the one who got to touch me, and I was really grateful you're the one..]
In normal world, we won't care and just think is as a simple threat..
We won't get stressed or anything so this is a silly protection..
Even S2 won't let me accept a girl as "sbg" too..
S2 said S2's isn't jealous or anything..
But even for a girl, who X won't prey on.......
It's...........nevermind.
I don't wanna debate again.
I just wanna let it out to you, my blog.
I won't wanna hurt S2..
And I love S2 so much......
And I.......actually really want S2 to know this..That S2's minds and thought, X people's mind and thought, different from Normal people.
And when I want S2 to be with me and leave the X world..
I meant I wanna take S2 aside from their style of mind and thought.
But I can't seem to let this one out in front of S2.
I know all this paragraph I wrote will be useless and stupid..
S2 will still see this from that side..without seeing from my friends side, from the normal side.
And S2 always told me.. "Please try to see from my side of problem.."
If S2 wants me to learn that ability..
I think I know why I can't do it right.
Cuz S2 won't give me the example in this thing..
I don't want S2 to read this..
And if S2 reads this, I don't really want another hard debate..
I just want S2 to know that my friends doesn't need protections..
They're fully normal, not a half like me. I know them.
And they won't get hurt by X people cuz they will ignore them.
Protecting.....it's kinda silly.
Sorry..
I'm not stressed or anything, it's just bugs me a lot if I don't let this out to anyone or anything.
Even I can't and don't wanna read this post from the beginning..I'm scared.
Please don't get mad or anything. I love u..

Finally, I Let It Out.

" Full of regrets, full of shy, full of stupidity, full of guilt, full of anger, full of everything.. "

Wen I let out everything in my head, everything that makes me so mad at S2, my hands and body were shaking. I was really angry. All the things that S2 forbid me, S2 do it. And I was really mad wen S2 makes every different opinions and offense to my feeling. It really made me feel so in a cage.

Now it's over, and I promised to myself I won't ever bring anything like this up again.. I hope S2 understands. S2 do the thing I don't like to protect me from people's bad talks. So do I. [If S2 understand..] It just seems so hard to make S2 know S2's mistake.. All S2 do seems to have its own reason. Which S2 never talks about wif me. And that only makes things worse to think that S2's always right and it's ok if S2 do anything S2 don't like me to do..
ARRGHH...!!!!
Don't wanna think anymore........................
I HaTe EveRythINg rYt nOw

Wait for you..

" When u're back, I'll be a big boy already. "



Last nite I gone to my S2's house, and I know that it's the last day before S2 went home for about 2 months. So I won't waste any minutes.. I watched S2's eyes for a really long time. It's so beautiful, for me.. ^^ Then I bothered S2 too much.. I want this, I want that. I want a kiss, I want a hug. It seems like I asked too much of S2. But it's all because I don't want this last day to go waste.. I wanna do everything I want before S2 go.

Then I went to sutos wif Virgin n' my big bro. We ate at fish&co there. It's so fun that we ate so much. We watched the movie Sorority Row. It's a thriller movie n' comes with ton of "surprises" that Virgin n' my big bro closed eyes. Haha.. I remember watching movies wif S2, always holding hand. And I really wanted to feel S2's hand that time, but I know I can't. Then, after the movie ended, we all went home. Virgin went home wif her mom n lil bro, big bro went home himself, I went home..wif S2.

In taxi, I suddenly had a lot of flashback of my story wif S2. It really pushes my tear out of my eyes. And I can't help but to look at the window. I can't let S2 see me wif tears. I'm a big boy, I'm a big boy. I hold S2's hand so tight wif eyes full of tears. Our meeting, our fights, how S2 told me not to go away, our first kiss, our first hand-holding, our promises.. everything. Tears flow on my cheek. S2 asked me to look, but I just keep looking at the window. Just wanna feel S2's hand, I don't wanna see S2's face, I know I won't let S2 go.. So after we arrived at my house, I just say thanks to S2 n' enter my house.. I'll miss S2.

Hey.. When u're back, I'll be a big boy. No more tears, no more negative thinking, no more angry to you. Just have fun there with your family, and I'll be waiting here. I'll learn so much things.. And when u're back, I wanna be a different me. No more crybaby rei, ok ? ^^

It feels..complicated.

" I just hate the feeling of fighting myself. In this war, the voices around me really clash. They say something like, "It's just your feeling", or "It's really a bullshit, you have proofs.." "



Today I went karaOK ing with fwenz, it was fun. It's been a long time since I sang seriously and deeply in front of my fwenz, and it feels real good now. I sing a lotta groove songs, and when I sing the song Keep Bleeding it's really deep and I remember that sum1. It's similiar to my story.
But there's still a deep fact from the song Now You Tell Me. It really makes me crumble.

For now, I'm just ok, just....fine. Just need more sleep and really need to watch over my health..

If You Love A Person For Real..

If you love a person for real, or wanting to love person for real and make your relationship long lasting, you can do this.

1. Behave the way they like
You should always be yourself though.

2. Don't do things only from your perspective
Even though from most people perspective they're the wrong side, just reconsider. But if it's really obvious that they're a weirdo, just try to speak with them.

3. When with them, get opened
Be an open person an tell them your problems to share, except the top secret ones. Save the top secret ones if you're already married.

4. Read their mind
When with them, if you feel their hands playing or moving more, that means they want your hands to hold. If you feel they're looking at you cutely, they're longing for a kiss on the cheek or forehead. When they look you deep in the eyes and face, and you feel like they're gazing for something, they just want a sweet kiss on the lips.

5. Spy on what they do
Just spy, though they didn't notice. Everything's easy. You can ask your or their friends, or facebook, or their blog. From facebook, now you can read wall-to-wall with people who hasn't been your friend. [depends on his/her privacy setting]. And if you found out they were actually cheating or doing something that hurts you..

6. Shut up for awhile
Don't get all mad and take the negative sides. Just think maybe they has a high sympathy with every people. Although you know they aren't like this usually, just try to lie to yourself a bit. Just forget the awfully hurt feeling and don't show any disappointment. They really stabs u behind, but love have the power to heal.. And along with time, it should be spoiled.

7. Don't take any liking to act
If you LIKE(not love) someone other than them, and you feel comfortable with them too, don't take it easy and act freely. Don't hold hands or anything like it. Maybe u think it's not cheating, you're just playing. But it's actually cheating. Just try to avoid that to happen even if you're really attracted and can't seem to endure the aroused feeling.

8. Just be a good boy and shut up
Connected with number 4, just shut up when they do anything they don't want us to do. For example when they really doesn't want you to avoid cheating with other person(numb 5), and on the other side you found they're talking so romanticly and acting so sweetly on facebook to the other guy/girl, just forgive. Let yourself be hurt. The power of love can really make us forgive. Unless it's starting to get worse and they admits the liking, leave. Let them be happy with their own playdoll.

9. Be loyal
If they just won't ever realize their mistake, be patient and you know you'll be hurt along your relationship, but if you feel like you don't love them fully, just admit it. Admit it and you're free. What is it worth if you don't love them to death but they're hurting you to death?

Well, that's just me and what I get from my story. Hope this helps you guys.. ^^

This is getting worse..

" This story turns to a real fairytale. Our love story. A beautiful one it is, yet a really sad one.. "

It's spoiled.. And I still put all the blame on u. I just wanna tell u that I feel sorry and regret, from the deepest of my heart. It's just me and my provoker attitude. And I'll change it.

Now u have to struggle to get your name back. I know I won't be of much help, but I will still help you. I'll stand by your side. Not by sympathy, not by conditions. It's just because I love u.. And when I heard this, I can't hold my tears even if I tried to.. I just..feel really stupid of all that I did. But now, I won't be handful. I'll support u, I'll chase your conditions, that I will do. Just relax.. I won't leave you before you leave me. That's me and my promise. I'll run for you.. And I won't stop even if u keep running. I'll make our condition stay as nice and sweet as normal. That's all I can do to support u.. ^^

I trust u, hun. I trust u'll take us pass this..

Wanna do a deadly krump..

I don't know anymore which is right, or which is wrong. I just wanna krump and krump, but I don't have any energy. Maybe I just have to forget. Maybe I just have to become distant. I wanna break free, break free from my own stupid life. I wanna go to place where no one is there. And then, only wait for a small pure light to come. A transparent light with no plastics, a transparent light that I can see deep in. And then I'll be pure. Pure to that transparent light.

Screwed up.

Just screwed up. Hope tomolo will go back to normal. If can, not to normal, but to the old times, to the past wen it's still fresh and cute. Just shut up..

Faking, off.

"I should be grateful of everything. For having good friends, for eating good meals, for having good future plans, for having nice days, for being a silent but crazy person, and for having U.."

Ungghh.. Holiday is near and I won't go anywhere. At least I walk around Surabaya, but wif no fwenz. They all go holiday :( But nevermind la, since I entered high school, I don't hangout wif fwenz often like in middle school, so I'm getting used to it.. =o

Tomolo will have my small stand at skul. Me, Edward, n' Onel [CH3^^] will run a small cafe wif drinks. We'll sell Red Fantasy [Red syrup, beer], Orange Fantasy [Orange juice, beer], Icy Choco Crunch [Chococino, beer, cereals], n' Iced Lemon Tea. It's just them, but whatever. Actually we have other kind of drinks that Onel n' Edward bought yesterday to mix, but we haven't mix them. So we sell them regulary, no mixing.
Huff.. Just hope that it'll be a wonderful day..
Silent me, rush on. I dun wanna be a really crazy guy like usual.. Just wanna be a calm guy for a while.. I'm tired of acting so childishly to cheer friends :/

Love You Promised..?

If I can only see
That your love for me is not forever
Then I will always be free
From these chains of love you bind me to
Oh baby baby please
Won't you save your kisses for another
'Cause I won't be a fool
For the love you promise
But won't deliver

I'm just a simple boy
Who is hooked to your sweet charm
But the love you promised
Will never be here in my arms

Oh baby baby please
Won't you leave me all alone now honey
Here's my one last kiss
If you can't make up your mind now it's good bye

Then again,
I'm just a simple boy
Who is hooked to your sweet charm
But the love you promised
Will never be here in my arms

Sweet.

Today we met again, after a whole month. It's really quite silly. So many changes occured. Especially my hair, it's so silly now, and I'm so shy :(
I like how we spend this day. I just simply like it.
It's a sweet kiss you gave me, like last nite when I asked a sweet kiss for my Christmas present. U made it a reality.. :)
I love u, no matter how our distance looks.
I love u, no matter what u do to me.
I love u, no matter u don't love me anymore.
I just simply love u.

The Soul To Dance..

I don't really understand, why do I find it stressful and boring to dance. How can I get bored so fast? I don't wanna lose the soul to dance.. Or have I lost it? I'm really tired now.. I dunno should I dance or not. D-phobia told me that I have to decide now. Should I become a dancer or not. If not, just quit dancing.

Quit..dancing..? No way. This is one of my talent, and I think I can't live in peace without it. Everybody knows I dance. But.. If I think like this, it means: I dance because of popularity guarantee. NO! That is a wrong purpose of dancing. I don't wanna dance like this.. Dance is just like everyday routine.

Back then, when I still a kid in streetdance, I dance with feeling. I dance according to the beat, and without a skill. That's what makes me enjoy the feeling of dancing. The feeling of expressing the music's soul with moves. I wanna dance, just to express. Express my feeling, express the music.. And with that, I get the soul of dancing.

But now, I dance for many reasons. Actually I think I'm skilled enough, even though I still want to learn streetdance again. That's what adds arrogance in my dance.. I dance mostly to impress people, not to express anymore. And that gives all the bore.. STOOOOPP!!!!




Decide..
I REALLY WANNA DANCE.
I WANNA DANCE AND DANCE WITH SOUL.
I WANNA EXPRESS ALL MY EMOTION THROUGH IT.
I WANNA MAD AND BE MAD AT MY DANCE[Krump], I WANNA BE COOL AND ACT COOL AT MY DANCE[Pop], I WANNA FEEL SO FLY AND DANCE JOYFULLY[Lock], I WANNA LET OUT AND DECODE THE SMOOTH MUSIC'S SOUL TO MY DANCE[Groove].
I LIVE WITH THIS FORTUNE AND TALENT GIVEN.
THERE'S NO WASTING THE RESPONSIBILITY.
THERE'S NO WASTING THE SOUL.
HUGE BUCKS, BONELESS BODY, DANCE MACHINE. I'LL REACH THAT STATE.
AND I'LL GIVE IT BACK TO HIM WHO OVERALL GIVES ME EVERYTHING.

I DANCE TO EXPRESS..I'LL GET THE SOUL.

New Moon, the More Brilliant Version of My Story.

New Moon n' my story isn't that much different.
Sum1's here to protect me from the underground organization. And that sum1's promised to keep me safe. I always seek for the care and I love that sum1 too. That sum1's really protective, and it seems like there's no safe area other than on that sum1's shoulder.. ^^

The difference is, that sum1 WON'T EVER LEAVE ME. It's always me and me..but I won't do that again, promise.. ^^

If u watch New Moon, I'm Bella.. And my sum1's the Edward.. Haha
Crazy, huh ?? But it's real ^^ Really got the feeling when watching the movie. I'm really the Bella, and that sum1's really Edward. A strong and romantic feeling.. ^^

Just smile.

Smile and relax. I love you and that's all I need to know. :)